Masks

Masks

Do you ever feel like you are wearing a mask? I do. But I’ve gotten so used to it that i hardly notice it anymore. I constantly have it on. It’s one of those masks that looks like it’s in a permi-smile. I can’t take it off i need it. It hides the truth lying just underneath. If i take it off I’m Vulnerable. I don’t have time to be vulnerable. I don’t have the luxury of letting down my guard. Behind the mask there are tears on my cheek and hurt in my eyes but none can see. It’s like my secret that i can’t talk about. No one wants to hear about it anyhow. All others want to see is happy. They don’t want to know what is behind it. To them the superficial smile the mask provides is enough. Behind the mask tears can silently fall while maintaining the look that everything is ok.  What no one can see is the thoughts in my head. The constant wondering of what i did wrong. Why I’m not good enough. They can’t see the worry and anxiety in my furrowed brows. So i keep it on. So no one else can be bothered with my trivial life. Because who cares any ways.  In the grand scheme of this world masks are all anyone sees anyhow. 

Trauma

Trauma

Trauma changes you. I mean it’s a fact I’ve always known. I mean isn’t it a fact everyone knows? But I’ve always thought of it as a big drama you know being abused as a kid, sexual abuse. Domestic abuse. I’ve never really stopped to consider that the small traumas in someone’s life can also change them. 

Do you always hear about the big traumas. But never about the small ones. It’s like if it’s not one of the big ones it doesn’t count. But it does count. Sometime the smallest traumas have the biggest impact. Because as kids when we are abused somehow we compartmentalize and we learn to deal with it. We put ourselves into survival mode. We don’t know we’re doing it but we do. as an adult we Kinda do the same thing. We think in our heads that somehow we should be able to just push past this event and go on with life. I mean that’s what people expect us to do. That’s when we put on our masks. To hide the traumas.  The little traumas.

People have a tendency to compare traumas. Whos trauma was worse than who’s. I don’t know why. I mean it’s not like you get a trophy for the worst trauma. People are different so How one person reacts to an event is not gonna be the same way another person reacts to the same event. 

In the dark silence i feel a warm drop slide down my cheek. 

Here in the dark i can let it out. 2 ft away from one of the people i am hiding it from. He snores peacefully thanks to his sleep medication.  

But for me, the thoughts play over and over like a broken record. It doesn’t even have to make sense. Important things... unimportant things... stupid things... all flood my mind like a broken record. Broken... that’s what i am but it’s what i can’t let anyone else see.  Inutil.... useless. That’s tonight’s record. It’s how i feel. I’m home all day. My house should be clean and i think all night about everything I’m gonna do but then morning comes and Useless..   i can’t get myself to start. I can’t get motivated and i feel hopeless. It’s never ending. Dinner is a great source of anxiety for me. I don’t understand why either. 

I try so hard to make sure I’m strong. I have to be. There is no one else. I have to be his rock. I have to be theirs too. And i have to take Care of all of them. And i do but i know i could do better. If i could make myself do more. I find joy in very little these days. Big plans and thoughts but no actions. I want to run and hide but there’s no place to run to...And there’s no place to hide. 

Except here in the dark. Where no one can see. But i need to make sure i do it quietly. I used to think i was lazy. But as i learn more about ADHD and anxiety i understand more. I hate medication. Most times the side effects suck more than the problem they are trying to solve. I

Wish it would go away. I don’t want to be different. I want to be like all the other moms who can tend the kids and keep the house and cook the dinner. Why didn’t my mother ever teach me this stuff? Why can my mind let me do simple tasks? Why can’t my mind work right?  What am i teaching my kids about how to be a responsible adult if I’m failing at being one myself?