In the dark silence i feel a warm drop slide down my cheek. 

Here in the dark i can let it out. 2 ft away from one of the people i am hiding it from. He snores peacefully thanks to his sleep medication.  

But for me, the thoughts play over and over like a broken record. It doesn’t even have to make sense. Important things... unimportant things... stupid things... all flood my mind like a broken record. Broken... that’s what i am but it’s what i can’t let anyone else see.  Inutil.... useless. That’s tonight’s record. It’s how i feel. I’m home all day. My house should be clean and i think all night about everything I’m gonna do but then morning comes and Useless..   i can’t get myself to start. I can’t get motivated and i feel hopeless. It’s never ending. Dinner is a great source of anxiety for me. I don’t understand why either. 

I try so hard to make sure I’m strong. I have to be. There is no one else. I have to be his rock. I have to be theirs too. And i have to take Care of all of them. And i do but i know i could do better. If i could make myself do more. I find joy in very little these days. Big plans and thoughts but no actions. I want to run and hide but there’s no place to run to...And there’s no place to hide. 

Except here in the dark. Where no one can see. But i need to make sure i do it quietly. I used to think i was lazy. But as i learn more about ADHD and anxiety i understand more. I hate medication. Most times the side effects suck more than the problem they are trying to solve. I

Wish it would go away. I don’t want to be different. I want to be like all the other moms who can tend the kids and keep the house and cook the dinner. Why didn’t my mother ever teach me this stuff? Why can my mind let me do simple tasks? Why can’t my mind work right?  What am i teaching my kids about how to be a responsible adult if I’m failing at being one myself?